so much

I am feeling so much right now that I feel a bit paralyzed.  I feel like I have so much I need to write--to get out of me--but I feel like my words are in the world's worst traffic jam and nothing is moving. I want to write about the emptiness I feel when shopping for the girls and not being able to share those things with their dad.  I want to write about how I'm angry because I feel like a widow--but my husband is fully alive and well just down the street a ways--but I don't trust him or even feel like I know him anymore.  It's so weird and fuzzy and it does not fit inside my head.  I want to write about how I never signed up for single parenthood and the pain that rocks my body when I feel ripped apart by the rejection of being cast aside.  I want to write about how amazing it is that Jesus loves me (and you) and came to save us.  I want to write how coming as a baby is such a powerful way to enter the world-- I love that that was God's plan-- I think about this a lot.  I want to write about how most of my theology growing up came straight from Christmas songs and they are my comfort in hard times no matter what time of year it is because the hope of the world is wrapped up in Christmas.  I LOVE Christmas!  I want to write about how this Christmas season has felt hallow.  I am so very aware of how blessed I am--but I am also so very aware of what is missing that was promised and then shattered.  It is hard to mourn and rejoice at the very same time.  It is hard to laugh and cry and feel both so deeply that neither seem to make sense anymore but yet they are both so crystal clear that they cannot be denied.  I want to write about a season of firsts with my family of origin. I want to write about how I felt like I was going home to a home I'd never really been to before--because this year they knew me like they never had before.  I want to write about freedom and joy that I have felt this year.  I want to write about how I feel this foolish hope growing up inside me.  I want to write about how that scares me and how it makes me feel like an idiot.  I want to write about my anger that flares up every time my hope does.  I want to write about love that wont stop even when there is no joy in the loving anymore.  I want to write about how God designed our bodies to physically hurt while we mourn. I want to write about promises.  I want to write about so so many things---my heart hurts, my eyes burn, tears drip off my chin.
My house is quiet and every room is filled with Christmas clutter and paper scraps and bits of popcorn and cookie crumbs.  All of the toys were dropped right where they were being played with when my husband came to pick up the girls. My girls love their dad.  I miss having my life partner.  Right now,  I miss my kids---but I miss us being a family--a whole family.  I cannot believe that this is the family God planned when my husband and I got married.  I cannot believe that God planned this.  I want to scream WHY?  and I do.... replies generally don't come--sometimes words pop into my thoughts --words like sin, brokenness, choices... I want to write about disappointments and lies.  I want purge it all out of me so I don't have to sift through it ever again.  I want the tenderness around the wounds to heal.  I want so much to be different.  I want to write so so much.....