in the beginning

I came into marriage hopeful and expectant.  I came into marriage wounded.  I came into marriage healing.

I got married because I was excited to spend my life with someone.  I had been given promises and visions of what God would/could do through our lives.  We had purpose!  I was excited to love and be loved, to share my laughs and my tears with someone.  It felt so amazing to be honest and real with someone and not be judged or rejected.  It was amazing to be close to someone---to be loved and desired.  I came into marriage starved of love and in awe of any attention sent in my direction.  I was scared to rely on someone, to be bound to them by a lifelong vow---but it also felt right.  I was excited for ministry-- to see where, what, and how God would use us and our lives.  I was excited to grow up and grow old with someone that promised the same thing I did.  There was safety in those promises we exchanged.  Walls came down and trust felt so good.  Life with someone you trust is easy.

But... for me, trust didn't last long.  Trust was broken very quickly.  Life with broken trust is nearly impossible.  Life becomes guarded.  A game of waiting for the next wound.