back at ya Babe!

I typed his own words to me in black--and my snarky, hurt, and angry commentary in red.

Promises and Prayers: 

I love you. (This was said and written to me a TON of times.  I believed it. I soaked it up.  I gave it back.  And honestly--I even believe that he believed it too.  I just wish it had gone deeper than it really did and mattered just a bit more.)

I want to get married.  (And yet only a month or so after our wedding--and even before our wedding-- I was getting blamed for him marrying me, accused of manipulating him and pushing him into it before he was really ready.  Let me just say---that made me feel awesome and secure in my relationship!)

My prayer is that we always have the love that trusts, perseveres, and never fails. (We could have had this.  I really believe that we could have.  I have tried to love with a love that trusts--even when you were not trustworthy.  I have persevered and given second chances through more than most women would ever consider.  But my love must have failed you and your love did fail me.) 

I am so grateful for you. (In fact I am so grateful for you that I am going to put my needs in front of yours, my parents needs in front of yours, oh...and I'm gonna cheat on you and live a double life for a while and then I'm gonna get pissed when you are hurt by those things and have trouble dealing with them.  Yep--I'm so grateful for you.  And to this I say---LIAR!)

I love you with a love that transcends anything that could happen to you or by you. (No.  You don't.)

I dream about our lives together. (I whole heatedly believe this one.  We spent tons of time dreaming together.  I just wish it would have mattered more.)

I will build my world around you and make my decisions with you in mind.  (No.  This is another one that I feel the need to shout LIAR! about.  I think you built your world around yourself and your ego and your wants and your penis and your desire to control and your need to be right and sometimes when I was in crisis you made decisions with me in mind.

The best is yet to come.  (I'm still holding on to this one as TRUTH.  I have no idea what that will look like---but this one I need to hold on to.)

I trust you with everything I have.  (No you didn't---you didn't trust me with you.  You hid who you really were and you lied to me to make a front that looked really good on the surface.  You never really trusted me or who you are wouldn't have destroyed me because I would have known.)

I pray for the capacity to love and serve her the way that Christ loved and served the church.  (When did you stop praying for this?  Why did you stop?)

If we ever stop making You our no. 1 focus, then stop us and bring us back to You.  (And THIS is where we are now! And He is the only one that can help now.)







How I See You: These words--- How my husband saw me... they are powerful and beautiful to me--even still.  I love that he felt them for me.  This is how I want my husband to see me ---but I want him to remember these things when he is tempted.  I wanted him to remember that THIS is who he is disregarding and diminishing and cutting with words and treating as a non-person.  I want him to understand that his actions make all of these things like a joke when he says them.  Not because they're not true--I think these things are all at least partly true of me--but because when you really view someone this way you don't treat them the way I have been treated.  When you view someone this way---you value them, you follow through on the promises that you make to them, and you don't tear them down so they end up feeling the exact opposite of these things.

You are real, personal, affectionate, deep, and thoughtful. (but not satisfying, good enough, not affectionate in the right way...basically just not what I really wanted.)

You are never boring. (But still you're not enough.)

You are patient. (True--I am.)

You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me (besides Jesus). (In fact--so the best thing that I will throw you away and cast you aside because I tend to forget that you are a major part of my life and that I love you and our children.)

You are so beautiful in my eyes. (So beautiful in fact that you don't fully captivate me and so I'll find someone else better.)

You are sweet. (ehhh?)

God paired me with someone with so many awesome traits: forgiving, patient, loving, fun, cute, intelligent, creative, impulsive, and most importantly spiritual. (Yes, he did---and you threw me away and basically told God his plan sucked.)

I believe God designed you with genuine beauty, character, and creativity. (I think He did too.)

I have so much faith in you and what God is going to accomplish through you. (So much faith in fact that I'm gonna do my best to make it harder for you to trust God and to see yourself as valuable, talented, and made with good purpose--I'm gonna make you doubt everything you are fighting hard to believe in!)

I know your faith and strong-will will carry us through times that I would normally fall apart. (yes)

I thank God for matching me with the MOST creative, intelligent, loving, faithful, trusting, caring, beautiful, talented, hard-working, patient, and real girl that I could have. (Thank you God.  What an awesome gift---but I'm gonna trade her in for someone else cause she's really not what I wanted after all.)

What amazes me the most about you, more than anything else, is your perseverance and unwillingness to settle for one ounce less than what God has for you. (Which is partly why we are where we are right now.  I don't want to settle for being treated this way when I know it is much less than how God would have me treated by my husband.)

You love me. (This is true.  I do.  Still. I always will--no matter what.  Sometimes I wish I didn't.  Walking away would be easier than loving someone who doesn't care enough to care. But I can't walk away---because I am all of these things that you used to see and love about me.)

You are a good wife. (But not good enough.)

I think you are cute and fun to be around. (But not fun enough to really keep me interested or satisfied.)

My wife, the object of my affection, a sweet person, a thoughtful girl, a beautiful woman.  You are special and unique. (Object of my affection---when I'm not looking at someone else.)