so much

I am feeling so much right now that I feel a bit paralyzed.  I feel like I have so much I need to write--to get out of me--but I feel like my words are in the world's worst traffic jam and nothing is moving. I want to write about the emptiness I feel when shopping for the girls and not being able to share those things with their dad.  I want to write about how I'm angry because I feel like a widow--but my husband is fully alive and well just down the street a ways--but I don't trust him or even feel like I know him anymore.  It's so weird and fuzzy and it does not fit inside my head.  I want to write about how I never signed up for single parenthood and the pain that rocks my body when I feel ripped apart by the rejection of being cast aside.  I want to write about how amazing it is that Jesus loves me (and you) and came to save us.  I want to write how coming as a baby is such a powerful way to enter the world-- I love that that was God's plan-- I think about this a lot.  I want to write about how most of my theology growing up came straight from Christmas songs and they are my comfort in hard times no matter what time of year it is because the hope of the world is wrapped up in Christmas.  I LOVE Christmas!  I want to write about how this Christmas season has felt hallow.  I am so very aware of how blessed I am--but I am also so very aware of what is missing that was promised and then shattered.  It is hard to mourn and rejoice at the very same time.  It is hard to laugh and cry and feel both so deeply that neither seem to make sense anymore but yet they are both so crystal clear that they cannot be denied.  I want to write about a season of firsts with my family of origin. I want to write about how I felt like I was going home to a home I'd never really been to before--because this year they knew me like they never had before.  I want to write about freedom and joy that I have felt this year.  I want to write about how I feel this foolish hope growing up inside me.  I want to write about how that scares me and how it makes me feel like an idiot.  I want to write about my anger that flares up every time my hope does.  I want to write about love that wont stop even when there is no joy in the loving anymore.  I want to write about how God designed our bodies to physically hurt while we mourn. I want to write about promises.  I want to write about so so many things---my heart hurts, my eyes burn, tears drip off my chin.
My house is quiet and every room is filled with Christmas clutter and paper scraps and bits of popcorn and cookie crumbs.  All of the toys were dropped right where they were being played with when my husband came to pick up the girls. My girls love their dad.  I miss having my life partner.  Right now,  I miss my kids---but I miss us being a family--a whole family.  I cannot believe that this is the family God planned when my husband and I got married.  I cannot believe that God planned this.  I want to scream WHY?  and I do.... replies generally don't come--sometimes words pop into my thoughts --words like sin, brokenness, choices... I want to write about disappointments and lies.  I want purge it all out of me so I don't have to sift through it ever again.  I want the tenderness around the wounds to heal.  I want so much to be different.  I want to write so so much.....

promises, visions -- maybe a mirage

So this morning I've been sorting through the letters I wrote to my husband before we were married. These are the the promises I made and the words I wrote about how I saw him.


Promises I made:
I love you so much.
I will lay down all I have to help you accomplish your goals.
I will do all that is in my power to see you full of happiness.
I will pray with all that is in me that GOD will fill you with JOY!
I pray that GOD stays our focus and our goal.
I will fight for us till the end through the hard times.
I will rejoice before GOD when things are peaceful and fun.
I will spoil, pamper, and love you with my life.
I love you more than anything else (besides Jesus).
I love you for exactly who you are (even the parts I don't know yet).
My love for you will last and endure.
I trust you.



How I saw my husband:
You are the best gift God has ever blessed me with.
You are special.
You are talented.
You're patient.
You are intriguing.
You challenge and encourage me.
You are caring.
You are fun.
You are affectionate.
You're my hero.
You are my best friend.
You are the love of my life.
You are my God appointed lover.

back at ya Babe!

I typed his own words to me in black--and my snarky, hurt, and angry commentary in red.

Promises and Prayers: 

I love you. (This was said and written to me a TON of times.  I believed it. I soaked it up.  I gave it back.  And honestly--I even believe that he believed it too.  I just wish it had gone deeper than it really did and mattered just a bit more.)

I want to get married.  (And yet only a month or so after our wedding--and even before our wedding-- I was getting blamed for him marrying me, accused of manipulating him and pushing him into it before he was really ready.  Let me just say---that made me feel awesome and secure in my relationship!)

My prayer is that we always have the love that trusts, perseveres, and never fails. (We could have had this.  I really believe that we could have.  I have tried to love with a love that trusts--even when you were not trustworthy.  I have persevered and given second chances through more than most women would ever consider.  But my love must have failed you and your love did fail me.) 

I am so grateful for you. (In fact I am so grateful for you that I am going to put my needs in front of yours, my parents needs in front of yours, oh...and I'm gonna cheat on you and live a double life for a while and then I'm gonna get pissed when you are hurt by those things and have trouble dealing with them.  Yep--I'm so grateful for you.  And to this I say---LIAR!)

I love you with a love that transcends anything that could happen to you or by you. (No.  You don't.)

I dream about our lives together. (I whole heatedly believe this one.  We spent tons of time dreaming together.  I just wish it would have mattered more.)

I will build my world around you and make my decisions with you in mind.  (No.  This is another one that I feel the need to shout LIAR! about.  I think you built your world around yourself and your ego and your wants and your penis and your desire to control and your need to be right and sometimes when I was in crisis you made decisions with me in mind.

The best is yet to come.  (I'm still holding on to this one as TRUTH.  I have no idea what that will look like---but this one I need to hold on to.)

I trust you with everything I have.  (No you didn't---you didn't trust me with you.  You hid who you really were and you lied to me to make a front that looked really good on the surface.  You never really trusted me or who you are wouldn't have destroyed me because I would have known.)

I pray for the capacity to love and serve her the way that Christ loved and served the church.  (When did you stop praying for this?  Why did you stop?)

If we ever stop making You our no. 1 focus, then stop us and bring us back to You.  (And THIS is where we are now! And He is the only one that can help now.)







How I See You: These words--- How my husband saw me... they are powerful and beautiful to me--even still.  I love that he felt them for me.  This is how I want my husband to see me ---but I want him to remember these things when he is tempted.  I wanted him to remember that THIS is who he is disregarding and diminishing and cutting with words and treating as a non-person.  I want him to understand that his actions make all of these things like a joke when he says them.  Not because they're not true--I think these things are all at least partly true of me--but because when you really view someone this way you don't treat them the way I have been treated.  When you view someone this way---you value them, you follow through on the promises that you make to them, and you don't tear them down so they end up feeling the exact opposite of these things.

You are real, personal, affectionate, deep, and thoughtful. (but not satisfying, good enough, not affectionate in the right way...basically just not what I really wanted.)

You are never boring. (But still you're not enough.)

You are patient. (True--I am.)

You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me (besides Jesus). (In fact--so the best thing that I will throw you away and cast you aside because I tend to forget that you are a major part of my life and that I love you and our children.)

You are so beautiful in my eyes. (So beautiful in fact that you don't fully captivate me and so I'll find someone else better.)

You are sweet. (ehhh?)

God paired me with someone with so many awesome traits: forgiving, patient, loving, fun, cute, intelligent, creative, impulsive, and most importantly spiritual. (Yes, he did---and you threw me away and basically told God his plan sucked.)

I believe God designed you with genuine beauty, character, and creativity. (I think He did too.)

I have so much faith in you and what God is going to accomplish through you. (So much faith in fact that I'm gonna do my best to make it harder for you to trust God and to see yourself as valuable, talented, and made with good purpose--I'm gonna make you doubt everything you are fighting hard to believe in!)

I know your faith and strong-will will carry us through times that I would normally fall apart. (yes)

I thank God for matching me with the MOST creative, intelligent, loving, faithful, trusting, caring, beautiful, talented, hard-working, patient, and real girl that I could have. (Thank you God.  What an awesome gift---but I'm gonna trade her in for someone else cause she's really not what I wanted after all.)

What amazes me the most about you, more than anything else, is your perseverance and unwillingness to settle for one ounce less than what God has for you. (Which is partly why we are where we are right now.  I don't want to settle for being treated this way when I know it is much less than how God would have me treated by my husband.)

You love me. (This is true.  I do.  Still. I always will--no matter what.  Sometimes I wish I didn't.  Walking away would be easier than loving someone who doesn't care enough to care. But I can't walk away---because I am all of these things that you used to see and love about me.)

You are a good wife. (But not good enough.)

I think you are cute and fun to be around. (But not fun enough to really keep me interested or satisfied.)

My wife, the object of my affection, a sweet person, a thoughtful girl, a beautiful woman.  You are special and unique. (Object of my affection---when I'm not looking at someone else.)

promises

for the last few hours I have been reading the letters and cards sent between me and my husband while we spent months apart before we got married. The first time I did this a few months ago---it made me furious--so angry I wanted to smack him with a frying pan and spit in his face--not that I would--but it sure sounded like a good "movie" type of way to get out aggression. But today is made me sad.  Heartbroken and sad.  Lost dreams.  This is what I was promised---this is the love I was promised---this was the man I married.

(I have my letters back--and my own set of broken promises---maybe I'll wade through those after breakfast.)

Promises and Prayers: 

I love you.

I want to get married.

My prayer is that we always have the love that trusts, perseveres, and never fails.

I am so grateful for you.

I love you with a love that transcends anything that could happen to you or by you.

I dream about our lives together.

I will build my world around you and make my decisions with you in mind. 

The best is yet to come.

I trust you with everything I have.

I pray for the capacity to love and serve her the way that Christ loved and served the church.

If we ever stop making You our no. 1 focus, then stop us and bring us back to You. 







How I See You:

You are real, personal, affectionate, deep, and thoughtful.

You are never boring.

You are patient.

You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me (besides Jesus).

You are so beautiful in my eyes.

You are sweet.

God paired me with someone with so many awesome traits: forgiving, patient, loving, fun, cute, intelligent, creative, impulsive, and most importantly spiritual.

I believe God designed you with genuine beauty, character, and creativity.

I have so much faith in you and what God is going to accomplish through you.

I know your faith and strong-will will carry us through times that I would normally fall apart.

I thank God for matching me with the MOST creative, intelligent, loving, faithful, trusting, caring, beautiful, talented, hard-working, patient, and real girl that I could have.

What amazes me the most about you, more than anything else, is your perseverance and unwillingness to settle for one ounce less than what God has for you.

You love me.

You are a good wife.

I think you are cute and fun to be around.

My wife, the object of my affection, a sweet person, a thoughtful girl, a beautiful woman.  You are special and unique.

in the beginning

I came into marriage hopeful and expectant.  I came into marriage wounded.  I came into marriage healing.

I got married because I was excited to spend my life with someone.  I had been given promises and visions of what God would/could do through our lives.  We had purpose!  I was excited to love and be loved, to share my laughs and my tears with someone.  It felt so amazing to be honest and real with someone and not be judged or rejected.  It was amazing to be close to someone---to be loved and desired.  I came into marriage starved of love and in awe of any attention sent in my direction.  I was scared to rely on someone, to be bound to them by a lifelong vow---but it also felt right.  I was excited for ministry-- to see where, what, and how God would use us and our lives.  I was excited to grow up and grow old with someone that promised the same thing I did.  There was safety in those promises we exchanged.  Walls came down and trust felt so good.  Life with someone you trust is easy.

But... for me, trust didn't last long.  Trust was broken very quickly.  Life with broken trust is nearly impossible.  Life becomes guarded.  A game of waiting for the next wound.

quotes from Diane Langberg

"Survivors are not used to thinking about what they prefer, or what is comfortable for them...they simply want to know the answer."

"Abuse shuts you up. God gave you a voice"

"The struggle to find words is often slow and terrifying."

"To fail to speak is awful. To speak is equally awful because the telling makes the story real."

"To speak is to tell the truth."

"You were not created by God to live in silence.  We know from the existence of God's word--both written and living-- that  it is in his nature to speak.  You and I are created in the image of a God who speaks.  To be made in the image of God is to have a voice and to express ourselves through that voice."

"Sexual abuse:  You have been shut up. Your voice has been crushed. Fear has made you inarticulate. Denial of other silenced you. Threat of rejection silenced you."

"In an attempt to survive, you, too have learned to lie, distory, and deceive.  You pretend you are all right when you are dying inside.  You say it was no bid deal when your insides were ripped apart.  You distort the facts to make it seem not so bad.  You say. 'At least I wasn't killed.'  When in fact you feel dead."

"Bluntly put, the evil of sexual abuse is hell brought up to the earth's surface. To fight against the ravages of sexual abuse is to face the out workings of hell itself." 

Cycles

Cycles.

hurts...
anger...
sadness...
disapointments...

protecting...
pulling away...
walls...
distance...

hurts...
anger...
sadness...
disapointments...

protecting...
pulling away...
walls...
distance...

And the cycle continues...

Break the cycle.
Crack the walls.

risk...
honesty...
vulnerability...
hope...

pain...
lies...
broken spirits...
dashed hopes...

The walls are down.
I am finished.
One Hope still stands.
Rebuilding wont be easy.